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And what a year it has been,. I cant believe its been a year since I last felt my little man move inside me it really seems like only yesterday I was feeling him kick and move around. Some days I swear I still feel him moving inside me. I know that is just wishful thinking. I keep wishingI would wake up from this nightmare I have been living for the last year. I know its not a nightmare but it sure does feel like it. You never expect to lose a child especially your unborn child. I know I wasnt even made aware of the risks of having a child born still. I know that in my case it could have been prevented had my dr done something when I asked about it the friday before but you know him going home early on a friday was more important than seeing a baby born healthy instead he would rather have a patient lose the baby do to a "cord accident". Accident my rear is how i feel.
I really thought the more time that passed the less angry I would be. But boy was I wrong I get more and more angry. I should be celebrating Jaxsons first Easter not going out and placing flowers and a bunny that says Jesus loves me on his grave, he should be here celebrating his First birthday this week.
Skyler doesnt really realize its been a year, but at every holiday he does say Mommy we cant forget Jaxson. How could i ever forget that little man. He is always in my heart and always will be. I close my eyes at night and I see him all over again. I like being able to see my baby but I want him here with me I want to be cuddling him and watching him walk, and talking like my friends babies are doing. I know they all wish there baby was still just that a newborn but let me tell you NO they really dont want that. It means you will never see what they look like as a grown adult, you wont get to see what they turned out to be You just miss so much of there life when you lose them at a young age. I had so many plans of my boys growing up together and being so close. All of that went down the drain.
I often wonder why am I still here, how did i survive the last year? I honestly dont know how i did it, but i know its been with my gaurdian angels watching out for me and Jaxson is one of them.
When Skyler talks of Jaxson it brings both a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I know that Skyler misses him so much but I dont know if its healthy or not for us to be feeling the way we do. I seirously think that some days Sky and I act like Jaxson is on earth with us the way we are talking. My grandma just thinks Ive lost it, cause I say I have two boys I dont say one living and one deceased. I have two boys, what does it matter to the stranger I am talking to that one of them went way to early to heaven? Right now I really want my mom here with me last year she was my rock while she was here. I just feel like the family that is around right now doesnt seem to care or think of him. I know that I am probably wrong but its just how I feel. My sister I know thinks of him and gets upset when people are like who what are you talking about.
Tuesday is the offical date ( 4/11 ) and noone is letting me stay by self, I am sending Skyler to daycare he doesnt need to see mommy so upset. I plan on going down to the cemetary and putting a couple birthday balloons on his grave along with the flowers and Easter Bunny I bought him. My friend Julie who was with me at the hospital is going to go with me. Skyler and I will also go and release a few balloons with messages on them to Jaxson that night. Monday I am going to release them with my friend Krystie as well, she doesnt know it yet.
Tonight when I went shopping with my sister we were sitting at starbucks waiting to get our drinks when I looked out the car window and saw a double rainbow, was was bright and one was lighter I really took it as the brighter one was Skyler and the fainter one was Jaxson the two rainbows of my life.
Thank you guys for being with me through the last year. I apperciate you and all your kind words and websites and all the help you have been to me.
AND HOW THE NIGHTMARE BEGAN:
April 11,2005 was the day I became a mom to my angel baby Jaxson.
It all really started in mid March when I started having my weekly Nonstress tests and I kept failing them, each time I failed them I was sent to the hosptial to get monitored there and it would take anywhere from an hr to two hrs and we would pass. At the end of March I asked my ob to do an ultra sound to see what size and position Jaxson was in. I was told it didnt matter because I was having a csection anyways. I balked at the idea of him not giving me another ultra sound but went about my life. April 8,2005 I went to my regular drs appt and failed my NST the midwife noted I was having strong contractions and said I wouldnt last til my scheduled section date of April 27,2005. She sent me to the hospital to be monitored and said that I am sure that they will call and tell me you are having contractions. Your Ob is there at the hospital and will look at your strip. He looks at it.. says its good go home if contractions get any more intense or more frequent come back in. I go home and go about my business for the weekend. I did my normal stuff.. and even packed my bag I figured I would be having my section on the 11th because contractoins were still regular just not enough to go back to the hospital. I felt Jaxson moving all weekend long and even in the very early morning hours of April 11, 2005. I had been scheduled a NST at the hospital on Friday when I was in so I arrived at 845 am and get signed in and monitored the nurses all knew who I was by this time cause I have been in soo often. When Jaxsons heartrate wasnt found at first we figured it was because he was hiding( he did this all time to the nurses at hospital). We picked up a couple beats of his heart then it was gone. Around the same time the nurse says well I felt him kick you so lets really get working for finding the heartrate.. Ok.. so I lay there not flipping out becasue he had done this in the past and then we would get monitors on. Finally nurse says we can either send you home and you have to come back later or I can call the drs office and get a sonogram ordered. I asked her to get the sonogram ordered that was at 10 am ( or around that time) I called my step mom who was keeping Skyler and told her what was going on and that as soon as they did the sonogram I would be on my way to get Skyler. The nurse came in and said that it would be about an hr til the tech got there to check me out. Ok.. so they ordred my lunch for me and next thing I know the tech is wheeling the sonogram machine into my room and starts doing her measurements and looking around. Jaxson was on my right side with his head under my chest and feet in pelvis. She walked out of the room with the nurse and they came back in and said We are sorry to tell you this but he is gone. I said Ok.. can you call my step mom and my friend michelle and tell them what is going on, and ask Michelle to come here. After that a lot is a blur but soo much of it is fresh in my mind. They called the OB and he came over to the hospital and told me if I wanted to be angry at anyone I could be at him, or if I wanted to blame anyone I could blame him. He then said well lets see about getting him out. I said please. He suggested that they allow me to do a VBAC and was actually trying to pressure me into a VBAC.I told him there was no way. His reasoning was the operating rooms were all busy. That didnt matter to me. I called my mom just before he came in and was telling me this and just started crying on the phone .. Mom said what is wrong and I dont know if I said he was gone or not I just remmeber telling her to call my grandma and sister and telling them to get down to get Skyler from my dads house. Next thing I know my whole room is full of people, nurses, and friends and family. Mystep mom called and told me that my dad was on his way( shocked me dad never leaves work). At this point I was only concerned about everyone that was taking time off from work and the fact I had my dads truck( i took him to work that day). The first time the OB gave me for my section was early evening then it changed to in 15 minutes, by now its around 1230-100pm i really am not sure of the time. I know that Michelle called my friend Chase adn told him and he said he was leaving work adn was on his way up. ( he lives two hrs away) They asked me all the preop questions and asked me if I wanted to be awake or knocked out for the section. I said awake so someone could go in with me. They did give me a sedative as well as my spinal block. Jaxson Clark arrived in the world a beutiful sleeping angel at 204pm wieghing 8lbs even and was 21.5 inches long.
He had a full head of hair.. and when I saw him for the first time all i said was omg he looks just like skyler did as an infant. I only spent a litlte bit of time in recovery then headed to my room in the OB ward.( that was hard) as i was being wheeled out of recovery I saw my sister and my cousin and was informed my friend Chase was already there, it took him less time than it should have. My sister just held me and we cried in the middle of the hallway.. and she said she was in there while they bathed jaxson and she gave him a mohawk cause he had so much hair. My sister said the nurse was soo good and kept talking and singing to him. They asked me when I got to my room if I wanted to hold him and I said not yet. I wasnt sure if I really wanted to hold him or not at that point. At that point is when I found out from my sister that my mom was arriving in the middle of the night to be with me. I really didnt expect it, but was very greatful. My room was full of people til after 9 that night they were all afraid to leave me alone. I held Jaxson while they were all there and while i was holding him I really couldnt tell you who was in the room and what was going on. I just was in awe of him. He really looked just like he was sleeping and would wake up any minute.
the next day my mom and father and step mom and my grandparents all came in and started talking to me about funeral plans. I had only thought of doing cremation at this point. My grandparents wouldnt see to it. So my mom, dad, step mom and grandparents set out to make all the arrangements for me.
His funeral was held on April 15th and was the hardest thing for me to do. The reality of it all hadnt truely sunk in that he was gone. I saw his casket and almost dropped to the ground. It was soo tiny only 2feet long. The service was very nice and I was able to get through it although I really dont remember much of it. I remember afterwards I saw a very old friend of mine who was like a brother to me and that made me feel pretty good.
Its been just over a month and I dont know how i make it through each day.. but I do.
I was very lucky that during my 48 hr hospital stay I had wonderful nurses they were just awesome they let me cry on there shoulders and did everything they could to make me comfortable. It really hurt them and it was noticeable because they had all seen me soo much for doing the NSTs and never suspected anything like this would happen espeically with all the monitoring.
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