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Marissa Cheyenne was born January 31, 2005 @ 12:47pm via csection. There would be plenty of crying, but not from her. She was born to God, too precious for this earth.
I went to the hospital on January 30th because I had felt no movement since (I thought) the day before. My husband was at work, so I called my mom to meet me there. I had the car packed, and assumed that I would be going to deliver my healthy baby girl. I was 38 weeks pregnant, and just 5 days away from being induced with her...I was excited that I'd probably get to have her here in town rather then at the hospital that was following me. I go up to labor and delivery and they hook me up to the monitor but have a hard time finding her heartbeat. I think nothing of it..I had been having NST's and u/s's regularly (just the day before, actually) and she was great-just a squirmer. It didn't occur to me that she wasn't squirming. After many failed attempts, the brought the portable u/s machine in...the nurses weren't legally allowed to tell me anything, but I knew. I broke into hysterics, my mom immediately called my husband, and I remember going to the u/s room and having the on-call OB (later to become our OB forever...) tell me that she had indeed passed away. I cried, he cried, and then I was to sit in the room alone. I went back to my room afterwards and my friends were there...I was in shellshock at this point...complete denial. I even laughed here and there. I demanded a csection (I had had 42 hours of labor with my first, and did not want to do it again under the circumstances), and after much ado, was given one. Nothing sank in until we went to leave the hospital days later-and I had nothing more then a goody bag...a consolation prize of keepsakes...no baby. Alex had already gone home and hid away all baby-related items in the nursery that would never hold a child. A nursery I waited years to erect. There are no words to describe the pain...the guilt...the emptiness.
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